Kill Crites...

Critters (1986)

Directed by Stephen Herek

No this isn't Gremlins, this is Critters! It's like Gremlins except you don't have to follow those silly rules and there is no Corey Feldman, thank God. This is another of the excellent childhood HBO movies that were played over and over again. Critters is the first film of a four film franchise, which got better with the sequel but worst after that. 

The film follows a very simple plot taken from a 1950's Saturday matinee: A dying race of very hungry and angry aliens, Crites as they are called, head to Earth to cause destrution. Oh yeah they are chased by two faceless bounty hunters who love 80's hair metal bands.

Critters was very painstakingly directed by Stephen Herek, who also took the reins of  Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and  The Mighty Ducks. It stars the man child Scott Grimes as Brad, seriously look at the kid in this movie he has a thirty year old's face. Dee Wallace and Billy Green Bush as the parents are annoying and I'd be ashamed if these two were my parents. Nadine Van der Velde, who writes for The Fresh Beat Band now, plays the slutty sister. Don Keith Opper, writer and star of all of the Critter films, plays Brad's best friend and a raging alcholic. For me the best role is played by M. Emmet Walsh, Dr. Jelly Finger from Fletch, as Sheriff Harv.

Apparently in space there is a prison and in this prison are Crites. These creatures have one purpose, that is to eat everything in their path. These are the last remaining Crites in the universe. So let's put them in a prison and not kill them for good. Can you guess what happens next? That's right they break out and highjack a ship and head to Earth. It's okay the prison has bounty hunters in the form of Ug and Lee, who by the way have no faces.

On there way to Earth Ug and Lee watch video to find a form to take, you guessed it they are shape shifters. Lee chooses to find one on Earth and Ug chooses Johnny Steele, a hair metal singer. Who else would you choose to look like in 1980's Kansas when you want to blend in, can you say sore thumb.

Back on Earth Brad the man child is playing with Charlie the drunk who gets him in trouble. While Brad is grounded he notices a meteor/space ship crash land on his farm. The father runs out of the house to investigate and finds Brad outside already. Super dad decides to take his strange looking son to find the crashed meteor/space ship. It is of course the Critter space ship that son and father of the year find. 

Over the course of the film there is death and blood screaming and annoying parents that don't know shit. Mom screams and cries while she sends their young trouble making Benjamin Button into harms way. Dad gets injured because that's what dad's do in these movies.

To sum up, the Critters go ape shit on the farm and begin to eat everything in sight. The movie moves pretty fast and the acting is out of this world. ;) The movie really picks up near the end when bounty hunters and Harv do what they do best, that's kill things.

I would say that Critters 2 is better and more fun but you have to start at the beginning. So check out Critters for the first time or watch it again.

Till the next forgotten classic...

8/10

Video Junkie Extra:

Billy Zane, the douchebag from Titanic, plays Steve Elliot a douchebag and boyfriend of the slutty sister. Steve has one of the best death scenes of the film.