Rump Rangers

 

Once Bitten (1985)

Directed by Howard Storm

While watching Once Bitten I can't help to think; how the hell did Jim Carrey become famous? This has to be the best vampire teen sex comedy ever. I take that back it was the best till My Best Friend is a Vampire came out. Another movie for another time fellow readers. 

This has to be one of the best posters ever dreamed of by man. It says it all, who was once bitten? Why it was Carrey's character. Who bit him? Carrey is pointing up to the vampire. The girlfriend is looking at Carrey as if to say I guess I'll sleep with you. That my friends is the best poster ever.

The plot of Once Bitten is very easy to follow: Vampire needs virgin blood to live but can't find any virgins in 1980's L.A. Let the hilarity ensue.

Once Bitten was directed by Howard Storm who went on to direct such TV classics as Full House and Alf. It stars Mr. Jim Carrey from such movies as...if you don't know than maybe you don't like movies or laughing. It also stars Karen Kopins, from Jake Speed fame, as Robin the girl who won't have sex with Mark. Playing the lady vampire is the sexy Lauren Hutton, former model and star of such movies as Zorro, the Gay Blade and American Gigolo. In a very funny role as the gay butler and protector is Cleavon Little from Blazing Saddles a movie that could never be made today.

All Mark wants to do is have sex with his girlfriend, for some odd reason he does not. So the very smart Mark goes to a bar with his dim witted friends Jamie and Russ, played by two actors never to be heard of again, to try to get laid. I mean it's the 80's for god sakes how don't they get laid. At the bar Mark meets The Countess, who must have three bites of virgin blood by Halloween night or she turns old. Now when I was a kid this was not in vampire lore, so the producers just make up what ever they want; nice.

The Countess seduces Mark and gets her first bite. As the movie goes on Mark starts to turn into a vampire and acts weird towards his friends. These events lead up to one of the funniest gang rap shower scenes ever put on film. I won't ruin it for the people who haven't see the film but it is funny stuff. 

Robin finds out the evil Countess's plans and it is up to her Jaime and Russ to save the day. This movie is one my wife's favorite movies ever. She was doing the lines last night after I told her this was the next movie going up on the blog. This movie is very campy and very silly and a good time on a slow day. Jim Carrey's comedy is held back some in this one but the two friends make up for it. Russ and Jamie have some of the best lines in this picture. To bad they never made anything worthy again.

This movie is very 80's and is very dated by the jokes and settings. Still a good viewing. Watch it again or for the first time. Another forgotten classic found, check out Once Bitten.

7/10

Video Junkie Extra:

The best scene in the movie is the dance off scene. It is a must see and will be on the link for the movie on the Forgotten Classic page. Please check it out.

How to get into Harvard.

 

Soul Man (1986)

Directed by Steve Miner 

When the great minds of New World Pictures got together to discuss putting out a comedy I'm gonna guess this was not their first choice. Who ever sold this is a genius. Hey I got an idea for a movie, How about a young rich white guy becomes a black man and takes someone scholarship. SOLD! We'll get C. Thomas Howell to star. SOLD! Top it off we'll trick Darth Vader into the film too. SOLD! I'm just guessing that's how it went.

The very original Soul Man was directed by Steve Miner, from Warlock and Forever Young fame.  It stars C. Thomas Howell as the funny white guy that turns black. Fresh off Commando comes Rae Dawn Chong, playing the same character she always play. Rounding out this stellar cast is Arye Gross, that guy from House II, as the wise ass best friend Gordo. We also have Darth Vader himself James Earl Jones, bet he is tickled pink to know this movie still comes on TV.

*Some notable cameos in this movie include the amazing Leslie Nielsen and  Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Soul Man starts off with Howell as Mark Watson, a young bright rich kid that gets into Harvard. But his parents throw a curve ball and decide not to pay for it. Poor Mark, what will he do next? Good old Mark finds a scholarship for Harvard but it is only for African-American students. Mr. Watson does what everyone else would do in this situation, he gets tanning pills from his stoner buddy and transforms into a black student. Ta-da Mark gets the scholarship and heads to Harvard none the wiser.

At Harvard Mark finds out that being black isn't what it's cracked up to be, he thought I was going to be easy. For going to Harvard Law Mark is pretty stupid. Anyway Mark meets a very pretty student played by Cong, Sarah Walker. Like every movie she hates him and he has to prove himself to win her over. Then the writer of this classic throws in the curve ball, Sarah was he one that was suppose to get the scholarship that White Mark stole. Way to go white boy!

The comedy really takes off after this information is revealed. As always I will not give away the end. I use to watch this movie a lot in my younger days. Gordo is pretty funny in this flick especially at the end. Some pretty good acting in this one even from Mr. C. Howell. 

This movie could never be made today. The makers would be killed and never work again. Wait does C. Thomas Howell still work and better yet where the hell is Rae Dawn Chong? I think she will make it to my list of Forgotten Classics again. 

So check out this forgotten classic even though at that end Watson doesn't get into any trouble over what he did. Harvard sounds awesome and fun. Where are those tanning pills....

6/10

Kill Crites...

Critters (1986)

Directed by Stephen Herek

No this isn't Gremlins, this is Critters! It's like Gremlins except you don't have to follow those silly rules and there is no Corey Feldman, thank God. This is another of the excellent childhood HBO movies that were played over and over again. Critters is the first film of a four film franchise, which got better with the sequel but worst after that. 

The film follows a very simple plot taken from a 1950's Saturday matinee: A dying race of very hungry and angry aliens, Crites as they are called, head to Earth to cause destrution. Oh yeah they are chased by two faceless bounty hunters who love 80's hair metal bands.

Critters was very painstakingly directed by Stephen Herek, who also took the reins of  Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and  The Mighty Ducks. It stars the man child Scott Grimes as Brad, seriously look at the kid in this movie he has a thirty year old's face. Dee Wallace and Billy Green Bush as the parents are annoying and I'd be ashamed if these two were my parents. Nadine Van der Velde, who writes for The Fresh Beat Band now, plays the slutty sister. Don Keith Opper, writer and star of all of the Critter films, plays Brad's best friend and a raging alcholic. For me the best role is played by M. Emmet Walsh, Dr. Jelly Finger from Fletch, as Sheriff Harv.

Apparently in space there is a prison and in this prison are Crites. These creatures have one purpose, that is to eat everything in their path. These are the last remaining Crites in the universe. So let's put them in a prison and not kill them for good. Can you guess what happens next? That's right they break out and highjack a ship and head to Earth. It's okay the prison has bounty hunters in the form of Ug and Lee, who by the way have no faces.

On there way to Earth Ug and Lee watch video to find a form to take, you guessed it they are shape shifters. Lee chooses to find one on Earth and Ug chooses Johnny Steele, a hair metal singer. Who else would you choose to look like in 1980's Kansas when you want to blend in, can you say sore thumb.

Back on Earth Brad the man child is playing with Charlie the drunk who gets him in trouble. While Brad is grounded he notices a meteor/space ship crash land on his farm. The father runs out of the house to investigate and finds Brad outside already. Super dad decides to take his strange looking son to find the crashed meteor/space ship. It is of course the Critter space ship that son and father of the year find. 

Over the course of the film there is death and blood screaming and annoying parents that don't know shit. Mom screams and cries while she sends their young trouble making Benjamin Button into harms way. Dad gets injured because that's what dad's do in these movies.

To sum up, the Critters go ape shit on the farm and begin to eat everything in sight. The movie moves pretty fast and the acting is out of this world. ;) The movie really picks up near the end when bounty hunters and Harv do what they do best, that's kill things.

I would say that Critters 2 is better and more fun but you have to start at the beginning. So check out Critters for the first time or watch it again.

Till the next forgotten classic...

8/10

Video Junkie Extra:

Billy Zane, the douchebag from Titanic, plays Steve Elliot a douchebag and boyfriend of the slutty sister. Steve has one of the best death scenes of the film.